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Acknowledging the overwhelming influx of freshman in proportion to all
other classes at Centennial
High School over the past
few months,
Noticing that many of these freshmen appear to lack any sense of
personal responsibility and/or decency,
Ashamed by the way that these freshmen promote our school as a whole,
States that the hallways in the school are intended for the
transport of students to and from classes, and therefore:
Orders that any student ignoring this intention be chained
to one of the many vending machines in the hallways and have his/her spleen
carved out with a grapefruit spoon:
Insists that any and all public displays of affection (PDA) kin
to the insertion of one’s tongue into the throat of another is disgusting and
wrong, and therefore:
Directs that any students displaying PDA at inopportune times
have his/her genitals removed with a dull but painful knife:
Asserts that it is in the interest of no member of the
student body to see any of the following at 8:40 AM:
a.
undergarments
b.
vast stretches of
stomach
c.
folds of skin
induced by an excess of weight
d.
breasts and/or
nipples of either gender
e.
any part of the
buttocks
f.
genitals
and therefore:
Dictates that any and all students disobeying this particular
statute be subjected to a multiple-hour Advanced Placement exam to the liking
of the prosecutor:
Acknowledges the problem with vandalism in the school bathrooms,
and the horrible misuse of the English language therein, also reflected in the
school’s “miss” of Annual Yearly Progress (AYP) and therefore:
Decrees that all misusers of the written English language, as
well as the seven (7) students who caused the school to not make AYP, shall be
beaten with large wooden clubs:
Proclaims that the daily assertions of how “wasted” and/or “drunk”
a student was the night prior are both annoying and egotistical, and therefore:
Urges all who overhear such assertions to immediately
report the asserter to a figure of public authority who can thereby arrest the
asserter:
Declares that these rulings become effective immediately.
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